


Crown & Duty

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Dorks in Love, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Inspired by Game of Thrones, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, and i mean a LOT of mutual pining, but with less blood and drama, eventually, the enemy here is duty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-07-12 00:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15983528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: Ben of the House Organa of Alderaan is king of the Seven Kingdoms. The only threat to the kingdoms, Lord Snoke, has been banished beyond the sea after an attempted coup, and peace reestablished for all in the realm.Except for Ben.He’s a young, unmarried king, and his privy council has been relentless in requesting him to wed; a request which he steadily refuses.The reason? He’s hopelessly in love with Rey of Jukku, but she’s the King’s Hand, and even if she wanted him, they could never be together.Little does he know that she loves him too.But duty is an enemy to them both, and will prove to be far more treacherous than Snoke ever was.A Reylo Game of Thrones AU.





	1. Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this tweet by @lizziesbennet and written super fast, so I apologise for any mistake.

_’Look boy, I’m gonna be honest with ya, it ain’t going to be easy… everyone will push and pull you for their own advantage, but someone has to do the job right, otherwise we end up in a mess like when mad king Palpatine was in power. Now, my job? My job's kinda easy, my job’s your mom. She's the essence of my duty, she knows she can always rely on me. You're not gonna have it that easy, you'll have to sit on that uncomfortable chair and try to do your absolute best. Somedays it's gonna be okay, and somedays you'll absolutely hate us for being your parents, but I know, I just know, that you’ll be remarkable’._

He was eight years old when Han spoke those words. It had been a hard day, the war had ended seven years before, but the interregnum needed for the peace treaties to be approved by all the major lords of the Seven Kingdom had required time, and a neutral and trusted figure to hold the peace. Mon Mothma had been that, and the peace treaty had been accepted, the lords were ready to kneel, for the Seven Kingdom to be united again. Until that day, Ben had lived an almost carefree life, sheltered away in Naboo, in gardens so vast that he rarely saw the walls that separated him from the rest of the world. He rode and trained, hoping to become a knight like his father, to travel and go on adventures… but then his uncle Luke refused the throne in favour of the Faith, and Leia became queen. He was eight but bright, Ben knew that from that moment forward, his would be a life of duty. His freedom was gone, everything was going to change, and he cried all afternoon until Han found him and spoke those words.

Seventeen years later, those words were still clear in his mind, even if Han was long gone. His heart had given up weeks after Ben’s twenty second name-day, and grief had pushed Leia to abdicate, believing him ready to rule.

The coronation had been the worst day of Ben’s life. Luke’s eyes burning on his figure, somehow always expecting the worst form him. The open hostility of his uncle and, as a consequence, of the Faith, had made his first year in power a living hell.

Two years later, things were… slightly better. Although, Ben still wished to scream at every privy council meeting.

‘She has… beautiful, …fair hair, shining like… the sun…’

Lord San Tekka was reading the letter form Eadu with the speed his advanced age granted him. Which was why Ben had been sitting in the small council chamber for more than an hour for a three paragraphs letter.

Luka had fallen asleep half an hour before, Leia - still dressed in mourning even after years - was minding her business going through her letters, while Lord Dameron and Lady Connix seemed to be engage in some game on piece of parchment they were not-so-subtly sharing. Admiral Holdo was reading a book under the table, while the two old servants R2 and Threepio were seated not far away, near the door, where even Finn - the knight of the Kingsguard on duty that morning - was also falling asleep.

Lord San Tekka took yet _another_ pause from reading, his eyes narrowing to better read the words.

Ben growled, exasperated, coving his face with his hands.

On his right, his Hand badly stifled a laugh.

Lord San Tekka cleared his voice and began, once again, to list the qualities of yet another woman that the council deemed suitable enough for him to marry him.

It took merely a glance to his right, to his Hand, to _Rey_ , her head bowed over the documents she was preparing for him to sign for Ben to say, loud and clear: ‘No’.

The whole room seemed to suddenly wake up.

‘Ben, _again?_ ’ Leia asked while Luke snorted awake.

‘I have important matters to look over, so if you would excuse me… Rey?’ he stopped his mother before she could go any further by standing up.

Rey quickly gathered her papers while Lord San Tekka began to stammer on the importance of marriage for the realm and the suitability of the woman in question. The thirtieth he had refused. He would be satisfied with his record if it wasn’t for the fact that the Lords he ruled over just seemed to have an endless array of daughters…

‘Benjamin!’ Leia called again, but Ben ignored her.

One of the few privileges of being king, he supposed. Even though he knew there were only so many times one could defy Leia and leave unharmed.

Finn opened the door for him, and followed right behind while Rey, with quick steps, was soon at his side.

It was where he wished she would always be. But she was his Hand, her title landless, her surname unknown… Ben would have had her all the same, but kingdom always came first. So he compromised, he would not marry unhappily in favour of the small moments of happiness he could have with her when they worked together.

‘I have sent a raven to the port’s authorities on Scarif, asking _kindly_ but _firmly_ to open their ports and stop this senseless protest. Also, I had Holdo move a couple of ships with cannons towards the archipelago, so they will say yes’ Rey said walking while keeping her head down on the papers in her hands, alight smirk on her lips.

It was the privilege Ben cared for the most, her trust. It had been hard won. Luke and Leia had presented Rey to him a year before, after she had quickly risen from anonymity when she helped Finn find Lord Dameron after he had been kidnapped. Her capacity to negotiate and rally allies for help had granted Ben the opening he needed to strike Snoke’s secret coup right at its core.

Luke had thought she could be a useful voice on the council, but after the first meeting, Ben had decreed that she should be the new King’s Hand instead of Lord Dameron, who been relieved to be once again just at the head of the army. They had disagreed about many things at the beginning, the still did, they still screamed sometimes, but they both had the interest of the Kingdom at heart, and mutual respect had developed from that into a solid friendship which, for Ben, had developed further into infatuation and love.

Rey was beautiful and smart, and he was, in her words, an arrogant prince made king too soon. While there was friendship, on her part there would never be love for him. So Ben was just happy to be at her side, to have her trust.

She could read and walk trusting him that he would put a hand on her back, lightly, guiding her so that she would not fall.

‘What about the drought on Tatooine?’ he asked while they walked to his office.

‘I have sent Ser Galen Erso down with the projects you have approved for a new system of canals’ came her prompt reply.

‘Isn’t he quite old? Shouldn’t we send someone younger and leave him to his retirement?’

‘He insisted. He stated he has still penance to do for his role in the war. In any case, his daughter is going with him’ from clear, her voice became a whisper only for his ears ‘Lady Jyn and Ser Cassian Andor are going with him. Cassian said he had some contacts, and spies ready for drop-off with informations from Snoke’s exile’

‘What would we do without Ser Andor’s spy network… I truly fear the day he’s to retire. I hope he’s thinking of a substitute’ Ben admitted while they entered his office.

Finn, this time, remained outside, and it was only him and Rey.

He relaxed immediately.

‘He was adamant that his daughter will not take his place, although Lady Jyn seemed to disagree on some of the points he made’

‘Of course she did’

While Rey sat down in front of the desk, Ben poured two glasses of honey sweetened herbal tea. He preferred wine, or water, to the too-sweet flavour of the tea, but it was Rey’s favourite.

‘Alright, what next?’ he asked sitting down next the her.

Rey turned to him, her freckled face marvellous in the midday light, framed beautifully by the locks of hair which escaped her practical three buns.

‘First, we have to talk tax reform now that the economy is growing. Lady Connix advises that we could improve all major roads if we could raise just a bit more. Secondly, we must organise better how the crops are stored and shared between the regions. We must provide a preferential lane for Tatooine, Jakku and Hoth to obtain food, otherwise people there will always starve while Yavin, Dantooine, and Coruscant are always overflowing. Thirdly… ‘ she added with a sight ‘a dozen of Luke’s followers got lost in Dagobah’s swamps’

‘ _Again?!_ ’ Ben asked exasperated.

 

* * *

 

After Ben had left with Rey, the others had, slowly, left as well. In the chamber of the privy council, only Luke and Leia, with R2 and Threepio behind them, remained.

‘He said no, again’ Luke said with fake annoyance, a sparkle of mischief in his eyes.

‘He wouldn’t have to, if you could find a loophole faster’

‘I’m not a miracle worker’

‘Some, would, in fact, very much disagree about that’ Leia replayed standing up, leaving the room with Threepio.


	2. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been during that battle that Rey had first seen him, Ben Organa, king of the Seven Kingdoms. He was an imposing figure, he was big, impossible to miss. Clad in a black armour, he stood out against the pure white of the fields of Starkiller while fighting fiercely and spilling blood on the snow around him.

There were many things Rey had never expected would happen to her. In fact, most of the things that happened in the last two years… she couldn’t have even imagined them, isolated as she had been in the Jakku desert, waiting for her parents. She knew now they were not coming back, that they were dead and they left her, but it didn’t matter, not anymore.

Since she met Finn in the market square in Niima, everything had changed. She had friends now, a spacious room to call her her own in tower of the keep that was reserved just for her, and food in abundance whenever she liked it.

It had all happened so quickly: she had met an anxious Finn on her morning travel to the square, an aspiring knight who had left the capital to look for Lord Dameron after his disappearance, disobeying the order of his captain and risking to be refused knightship forever for it. He had believed Snoke was behind Dameron’s disappearance, and after the attack on Niima they survived together, even Rey could see Snoke’s hand in it, the way he was trying to destroy House Organa and the newly-crowned king.

Leaving had been difficult, their travel from Jakku to Takodana a hard one, but they had met with the Queen Mother of all people, and then with captain Phasma of the Kingsguard. So Rey had found herself deeply involved in the resistance against Snoke and his forces, leading the small army of men that Luke Skywalker had refused to lead because of his role as leader of the Faith. It had been during that battle that Rey had first seen him, Ben Organa, king of the Seven Kingdoms. He was an imposing figure, he was _big_ , impossible to miss. Clad in a black armour, he stood out against the pure white of the fields of Starkiller while fighting fiercely and spilling blood on the snow around him.

They won the day and he won her respect. He was not afraid to fight, yet he spared Snoke’s life and sent him into exile beyond the sea. She saw the potential for a good king in that. But their victory had also left sadness in her. Finn, supported by his new friendship with Lord Dameron, and because of the courage he had demonstrated against Snoke, was raised as a knight of the Kingsguard. He was to go back to the capital, alongside all those she had come to know since she left Jakku. She feared she might had to go back, to loneliness and hills of sand that stretched beyond the horizon, until Luke and the Queen Mother herself asked her to join them in the capital.

She did not expect them to present her directly to the young king. She did not expect them to list her qualities (no one had ever said so many nice things about her) in front of him, asking that she could join the privy council in order to give a new and fresh prospective on the daily issues of the kingdom. And Rey certainly did not expect that under that heavy black helmet, the king could be so handsome, for his eyes to be so warm and of full of feelings.

At first, she had spoken carefully, but when she saw that no one on the council seemed to be against her presence, Rey began to speak her mind, and she and the king began to fight. They shouted at each other most of the time, until she was red with anger and his lips were pressed together so tightly they were almost white. A part of her feared he would expel her from the court, from the capital, back to Jakku, but even though he fought every opinion she presented, he always seemed to _want_ to know her opinion.

It didn’t mean she was any less surprised when he asked her to become his Hand instead of Lord Dameran (who obviously hated the job), or when he asked her to call him _Ben_ after she accepted.

She had blushed like a child the first time she had said his name aloud to him, the small smile her words had created on his lips had made her heart beat so fast… it still did. Ben’s smile were rare, and they never failed to make her heart run faster when they were directed at her.

Rey bit her lower lip. From under the shade of the portico, she looked at the four figures training, their movements creating clouds of dusts at their feet from the barren orange earth of the courtyard.

It wasn’t a fair fight, but he like it that way: it was Dameron, Finn and captain Phasma against Ben. He moved gracefully, as always, despite his size, his feet were swift and his form with the sword impeccable. Somehow, he had lost his shirt, and Rey tried really hard not to star at her king’s bare chest, at the way his muscles shined under the sun because of the sweat that cover them. She _really_ tried, and as always she failed.

It was a very good training session. She wasn’t the only one who was looking at them, and the way Ben was capable to hold off three adversaries at once was admirable, she ought to have admired that, his strategy… instead she was distracted by his chest, irritated by the maidens and ladies who giggled not far from her…

That spurred her to move forward, into the courtyard and the sun. Ben saw her, and he gave her a side glance while he stopped for a second to assess his adversaries, then he was attacking again. Phasma and Finn ended up disarmed on the ground, and Dameron with Ben’s sword against his throat.

‘I’m sorry to interrupt the training…’

‘You should have interrupted before he made a fool of me, Lady Rey’ Dameron said, a cocky smile on his lips while Ben lowered his sword.

‘You need someone to make fun of you, Poe, otherwise your ego will blow you so far up in the sky we won’t be able to catch you. And what would we do without you, then?’ Ben joked before helping Finn off the ground. Phasma was already up, moving her shining blond hair away from her face as if she had just got back from a walk instead of a sparring session.

Rey could’t help a small smile of her own.

‘In any case, the delegation from D’Qar has arrived. The Queen Mother is entertaining them, but may I suggest wearing something for the meeting?’

‘Like this?’ Ben asked with a grin, he picked up his cloak and put it around his shoulders and neck as if it was a scarf, _barely_ covering anything.

Dameron laughed, and Rey rolled her eyes.

At least he was of a good disposition that day.

‘Fine, fine, I would never dare not to listen to my Hand’

Ben left the courtyard with Dameron and Rey forced herself not to turn and look at his broad back, the constellation of beauty marks that she knew was there… she had looked once and it had hunted her dreams for weeks. She was not going to make the same mistake again.

‘Good job, Finn’ Phasma exclaimed in her usual flat tone. The woman seemed almost barren of emotions to her, but Finn blushed and muttered some thanks, and then they were left alone in the courtyard.

‘You want a handkerchief… for the droll?’

Finn was laughing at her, as always, and she turned around and walked towards the inside of the keep so that he could not see her blush.

‘I’m sure that if you joined our training sessions, he would be distracted enough for us to win, for once’

‘I irritate him at best, which I fear would not work to your advantage’

‘You severely underestimate the effect you have on the king… or should I say on _Ben_?’

‘Shut up!’ Rey exclaimed. She was blushing now, she could feel the heat on her cheeks and she hated it.

‘See ya in the throne room’ he shouted satisfied of his teasing, leaving Rey to walk alone to her room.

She couldn’t help it, she really couldn’t. At first, she had though Ben to be arrogant, uninterested in the affairs of the kingdom, but the more time they spent together the more she had known him. He cared for the kingdom and the people, and he always tried to do his best. It was difficult for him, he was an introvert forced to be an extrovert, to mediate between power-hungry lords and ladies, between what was needed, duties and alliances. He was quiet, yes, but by no mean uninterested, he had opinions of his own and was as passionate as Leia could be when he felt confutable enough to express them. And he fought with her because she head his trust, because he felt comfortable in speaking his mind in her presence. No one outside of the privy council had that privilege, and it always made her dizzy, his trust.

Not to mention how she lost her breath every time he guided her around the corridors with his hand on the small of her back, when he sat next her close enough that she could see the golden in his brown eyes, the red of those lips…. somewhere along the way she had fallen in love with her king, and Rey was as disappointed in her own stupidity for doing that as she was saddened by the fact that nothing could even be of it. He was a king, and she was nobody, the Hand, yes, but still nobody. And besides, Ben was surrounded by beautiful ladies, he was completely uninterested in her, he probably considered her a friend on a good day and a nuisance on a bad one.

Sighting, Rey washed her face and collected her notes before making her way to throne room. Ben was already sitting on the Iron Throne, and a small smile curved his lips when he saw her approaching. She took her place on his right and straightened her back while she waited for the servants to open the door and let the delegation in the room.

What she felt did not matter. If there was one thing she had learned from the war against Snoke was how loyal she had become to the Organas, to the kingdom, and ultimately to the king, to what he represented. It was the highest honour someone of her status could aspire to, to serve the kingdom as Hand of the king, and she was doing a good job, tackling poverty and famine with solutions that would assure for years to come that even orphan children would never have to suffer like she had. And Ben… Ben was a good king, because he cared, because he spurred her on to act on those issues she was passionate about, and argued in their favour with the lords, using the power he had over them.

Most likely, she would never love anyone the way she love him. But Rey knew her duty.

So, as always, she stood by his side, two steps behind, when he greeted the delegation from D’Quar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	3. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what it… demands… what the crown takes, and you just… you never even asked.

It was very difficult for Ben to sleep, it had always been, but in the last years it had gotten worse. Especially after Han’s death.

It was an accident, a stupid accident, and he still blamed himself for it even when everyone agreed it had had not been his fault but Snoke’s. Snoke who killed Han in a hunting accident and made Ben believe he had killed his own father. The few night during which he slept soundly, Ben always imagined killing Snoke instead of sparing his life, but he had to be better, for the kingdom, for Leia, for Han’s memory.

During Snoke’s attempted rebellion, sleep had not come easier, on the contrary, it had become more difficult than ever for him to fall asleep, so many worries… but Ben never expected that his struggle would have a bright side. The bright side being, Rey had troubles sleeping as well, and since she became his Hand, after supper, they reviewed what needed to be reviewed by walking side by side in the gardens until they felt tired enough to sleep.

Ben loved it. It was the only moment he could see the real Rey, behind the veil of politeness and protocol that court demanded, while in the darkness of the night they walked together, whichever knight of the kingsguard that was assigned to him walking slowly behind them while he tried not to fall asleep on his feet.

They talked about the kingdom, what they would need to do the next day, but their conversations often turned personal. One night after the other, he discovered her sad past on Jakku, and he told her things he had never told anyone, of his bittersweet feeling for the way in which Han and Leia had raised him, the loneliness he too had felt, albeit in a different way from her. It was during those walks that he dared his gaze to linger on her lips…

He was so in love it was almost embarrassing. There was absolutely no way he could marry someone else, his skin itched at the thought of being touched by some woman he didn’t know, some woman he would never love. The council would back down, eventually.

That night, while they moved between the bushes of wild roses, Rey was still talking about the delegation from D’Quar, how she endorsed his idea of building more food storages there the way they had done in Yavin. She was talking about important things, but it was late, and Ben felt better just by being able to look at her under the moon light, to walk by her side.

In another life, one in which she didn’t think of him as an arrogant and pompous prince who could also be friendly, he would curl up in bed with her, hold her close while they talked of nothing and everything, or take her hand while they walked the garden together, make her giggle while they rush behind a three to kiss away from an exasperated knight of the kingsguard.

He always wanted more than he could have, and it was a dangerous thing for a king. Luckily for Ben, those feelings were reserved only for Rey.

She smiled at him, and he almost tripped over a stone.

Of course he had to embarrass himself in front of her.

‘Maybe we should head back, it was a long day’ she said with a kind smile and Ben nodded.

She was tired, tired of being with him probably. She needed her time, and he was taking too much, taking advantage of the way they needed to work together… he shouldn’t have done that.

‘Of course, sorry’ he answered, and for a brief moment, Ben thought she looked almost disappointed, but her usual smile was back immediately.

As always, they walked together until they reached the bottom of the set of stairs that led to the tower of the Hand, Ben’s quarters were close, but also more distant that he liked. They lost the knight somewhere after the throne room, and Rey seemed to move closer to him, but her feet were probably hurting.

‘My king’ she said bowing, and Ben scoffed.

‘Really?’

She huffed a laugh, and Ben dared to take her hand, hoping not to make her uncomfortable if she thought he was playing along with her game.

‘Lady Rey’ he said kissing the back of her hand.

He skin was so soft, and Ben had to be careful in not linger too long, before she could think even worst things than she already did about him.

When he raised his eyes she looked at him stupefied. Had he crossed a line? Was she upset?

‘Goodnight…?’ he said softly, asking, almost.

‘Yes, goodnight, of course’ she answered, smiling once again.

Ben watched her disappear up the stairs, and then started to walk again before the knight could reach him. He entered his room with a sight, and let himself fall on the bed slowly, trying to understand how tired he was instead of thinking about Rey, her warm little hand in his…

Fortunately, he feel asleep fast that night.

He woke up the next day anxious about having made Rey uncomfortable. There was nothing that scared Ben more than their relationship changing. He had never felt with anyone what he felt when he was with Rey, no one ever understood him as she did, and maybe he would never have more (which never failed to make his heart ache every time he thought about it) but he was even more afraid of losing what little he had.

Finn was with him that morning, and Ben walked with him to the room which Leia had turned almost into a small mess hall, in which they could have private meals. Poe was there, and so was Rey, and they were both laughing at something Leia said.

She looked beautiful, as always, and happy. There was that small hint of sadness in his eyes, but it was almost always there, just like it was in his eyes and…

‘…and he was running, naked!! Screaming: uncle Wanwo!!’ Leia exclaimed, and Ben was sure he was red to the tip of his ears.

‘MOM!’ he almost screamed, thankful for the privacy the room provided because… yeah, that was not dignified for the king of the Seven Kingdoms, but somehow, that only made everyone laugh harder.

‘Oh, come on, it was a very happy moment’ Leia said as an excuse while Ben sat down, still red as a pepper.

Poe was still laughing, and Rey had a huge smile that made it very hard for him to look offended.

‘I bet you were adorable’ she said, and if Ben wasn’t red before, he surely was now.

‘He still is, wouldn’t you say Rey?’ Leia added, and it was Rey’s turn to blush while Ben groaned.

He was about to argue with his mother for making Rey uncomfortable, but Rey’s reply stopped him.

‘He is’ she said in a whisper, looking down at her plate.

She had said that to calm his mother, of course, she would never be able to say openly how ugly he was, big ears and nose, the ugly scar ruining his face, he was her king… and that was always the problem. No matter how much he hoped, he would never be able to truly hear her thoughts, she would have never dared, not unless he did something truly stupid, but that was always about their roles, as King and Hand, not what she thought of him, of _Ben_.

He suddenly felt overwhelmed by sadness, isolated in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. Was he projecting? All the time spent with Rey… she was probably just nodding along because how could she say no when it wasn’t a matter of the kingdom? He had made it clear that he would never send her away for her opinions but… he was king, he was always to be isolated from everyone else. Everyone would always be too afraid to say the wrong thing and pay the prince, it wasn’t the same fear everyone felt during Anakin’s reign, but it was there, it would always be there…

‘I have to go’ Ben said standing up.

Rey looked distressed, but Ben couldn’t… he needed to be alone.

‘Ben, if it’s for the story…’ Leia said, but Ben interrupted him.

‘No, I slept badly last night, I am just feeling a bit sick. Excuse me’

He walked quickly to his room, and sitting by the window he just looked at the capital, the reds and browns and oranges of the tiles of the roofs against the blue sky.

Unsurprisingly someone came knocking at the door minutes later, and before he could say anything, Leia was in the room, Poe probably following her. But Ben didn’t care, he felt extremely tired.

‘Ben’ she said in the tone she used when he was a child to scold him when he ran off in the mud with Chewie.

‘You never asked’ he said, his voice cracking.

Leia seemed confused. Apparently he was the only one his own mother couldn’t understand, she never understood how much it hurt, being sent away, with servants who cared little while all he wanted was his family…. and now it all came crashing down on him. He never asked for anything, he had always burned his rage inside himself, while doing his duty, what was expected. And it worked, it worked until Rey showed him that he could _feel_ , and _want_ , just like any other man, but he could never be like other men.

‘You never apologised’

‘For letting you run naked to Lando? Young man…’

‘For the abdication. You made me king and you never asked! You know what it… _demands_ … what the crown takes, and you just… you never even asked’

He was on the verge of tears, and Leia looked so sad, as if he was threatening her with his sword instead of saying what had been inside of him for so long.

‘You and the council keep asking for a wife, and for what? I’ll aways be alone. You always left me behind, and I would never want to do that to a child. Just leave’

‘Ben…’

‘Leave!’ he screamed, and Leia backed away, her steps fast until they faded in the distance and something inside him breaking at the thought that he had made his mother cry.

He barely had time to dry the few tears that had escaped before Rey entered his room quietly.

‘The door was open and… I… uh…’ she mumbled, and Ben knew she heard.

‘It’s fine. Just leave the documents on the table’

‘We could go through them together, maybe if we have some tea…’

‘Rey’ he said without turning, because he couldn’t send her away while he looked at her, he wasn’t _that_ strong. ‘Just go.’

 _You won’t have to pretend you like me today_ Ben added in his mind.

She left quietly, and Ben let himself fall on the bed. He stayed there all day, ignoring his duties for the first time since he became king, drifting in and out of sleep.

Before he could rest properly, it was morning again.


	4. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wanted nothing more than to talk to him, truly talk to him, see him smile again, but she wasn’t allowed to do that.

Rey didn’t sleep at all that night, so her morning started badly.

It wasn’t just her, everyone in the castle seemed to walk on eggshells. While she had been the only one to hear the exchange between Ben and Leia, everyone seemed to know something was wrong. Which probably had something to do with Poe being unable to keep a secret for the life of him.

The rift that was now open between the queen mother and the king was clear, the corridors were unusually quiet, and while some fools whispered in fear of Ben becoming a new Vader, the majority at court understood that he was a reluctant king. The signs had always been there, but somehow yesterday became the day in which he couldn’t keep it inside anymore.

According to Luke, no one had ever seen Leia so distressed before, not since Alderaan was destroyed during the war. And while Rey sympathised with Leia, she couldn’t help herself and side with Ben. After all, she knew loneliness intimately, and while she envied the family he had, she could only imagine that the pain of being forced to be someone you didn’t want to be, or ignored by said family was as great as being abandoned in a way. The excuse Poe had made for Leia and Han were the excuses everyone in Niima always made for her parents: ‘I’m sure they had very good reason, and it didn’t mean that they didn’t love you. In fact, they might have done it because they love you so much’.

For Rey, it was rubbish. Excuses meant nothing without clear signs of affection, and now that she thought of it, she had never seen Leia give Ben kind words. She was always reminding him of his duty, of how to act, what was proper and what wasn’t. And that was it. Rey, like many, had missed how much this hurt Ben simply because he never let it show.

When after breakfast a servant told her that because of the nice day, the king would meet her in the garden, she allowed herself to hope that he was better than yesterday, at least.

She dismissed the servant and made for the garden, knowing exactly where to find him, and that they would be alone. Halfway through the pergola covered in wild roses that cut the garden in two, there was a small path hidden by tall pines that led to a gazebo made of yellowish sone. The position allowed to overlook the sea, and since they were on the other side of the bay, it was a quiet view, few ships on the horizon and the chaos of the capital only a memory.

Rey found Ben already sitting under the gazebo, looking beautiful as always, the shadows complimenting his form and enhancing the beauty of his eyes. This was Ben’s favourite place in the whole capital, it remained him of Naboo, and not even the kingsguard was allowed to follow him there. She still didn’t know why he allowed her.

Unfortunately, she saw immediately that even thought he was trying, he was not better. There was a deep sadness in his eyes, in his features, and while he tried to be pleasant, it was obvious that it was hard. For him, it must have felt awful, the sudden realisation of what he had repressed falling with its true weight on his shoulders. Rey understood that well once again, because she felt it, too, when she had to admit to herself that her parents sold her for drinking money.

She just wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him and tell him that she _understood._ She knew loneliness and she understood his deep in her soul, that he wasn’t alone. But she couldn’t. He was her king, she was a nobody, and he most likely barely tolerated her. Yesterday had been an example of this, she tried to stay in the hope of making him feel better but he sent her away. She was allowed many things, being _that_ close to him wasn’t one of them, no matter what she dreamt at night.

‘I thought the sun would do me some good’ he said pouring her some tea, her favourite, as always ‘after being inside all of yesterday. I should apologise, my absence must have burdened you with even more work’

‘It hasn’t, really. There’s surprisingly little going on, whit the beginning of summer everyone is too caught up in the harvest, which luckily for us leaves little time for politics’ she answered quickly, looking down at the cup of tea he was offering her.

When she took it, their finger brushed, and for a moment she stopped breathing. It was difficult for Rey not to linger, his fingers so warm under hers. She would have gladly left the cup fall only to hold on to his hand. It said a lot, since she never wasted food or water.

After what was probably too long to be polite, they finally let go, both at the same time.

‘Still, I want to apologise’ Ben insisted, looking at the sea ‘I won’t ignore my duties again. So, tell me what I’ve missed’

Rey wanted nothing more than to talk to him, _truly_ talk to him, see him smile again, but she wasn’t allowed to do that. He clearly didn’t want them to be _that_ close. So she complied with his request, and she bang to explain the little he had missed the day before, how the harvest was going, how the lords had accepted to sell part of it at a lower price so that places like Tatooine and Jakku would not starve. While it had been her idea, it had come to be because of Ben. With his no-nonsense way of talking, he had managed to convince the lords that a bit less money in their treasuries was better than people starving in the streets.

‘It’s the fact that we lowered the tax on wheat for it that convinced them’ Ben said, eyes still lost beyond the sea, sad.

‘You should give yourself more credit’

‘I really shouldn’t. Pride is a dangerous thing in my family’

‘You’re not like your grandfather’ Rey replied immediately, and Ben finally looked at her.

She couldn’t stand it, she really couldn’t, to see him so sad and lost. How could she let him believe he was alone?

‘I know you would never want to discuss yesterday with me, but…’ she said, and he opened his mouth but no sound came out, he was surprised, speechless, yet totally focused on what she was about to say. But before she could continue, they were rudely interrupted.

‘Your majesty, my lady’ one of the knights of the guard, Snap ‘an urgent message from Lady Erso and Lord Andor’

Rey took the letter and tore it open immediately while Ben dismissed the knight. She scanned the words quickly, and she couldn’t stop herself from pressing her lips together, fear setting deep in her bones.

‘What is it?’ Ben asked, in a voice that was finally his own, not marked by sadness.

‘Unfortunately, Galen Erso is dead, of old age, which is something that according to Cassian is helping Jyn and Esperanza cope with it better. Secondly, and most importantly, Snoke has been gathering support while in exile, he still wants your throne, and went to look for assassins in order to get it’

She gave the letter to him, and Rey tried not to panic while he read it carefully. She would close all the ports of the seven kingdoms if it meant that Ben would be safe. She would never, _never_ allow anything to happen to him. Leia and Luke told her how Snoke had played with his mind when he was still at court, how he had convinced Ben he had been the one to kill Han, and how it all had scarred Ben deeply. And now Snoke was trying to take Ben’s life, with assassins from the East, from what Cassian reported. The idea of losing him, of failing him, made her stomach twist with fear and pain, tears already threatening to leave her eyes.

‘I’ll inform Phasma immediately, I don’t want anyone close to you who is not properly vetted before…’

‘Rey…’

‘I’ll have Poe double the number of guards in the capital, and more control in _every_ port for _every_ ship!’ she said standing up.

‘Rey!’ Ben said again, taking her hand.

‘He wants to hurt you!’ she repeated, and she hated how childish she sounded, but she was so afraid.

‘He’s a sea away, and our lords are loyal. They hate him, we just need to tell them and they’ll tighten their security’

He was still holding her hand, and Rey squeezed it lightly, comforted by his warmth.

‘This is not negotiable, you know what Snoke is capable of. I won’t let him close to you ever again. You should have killed him’

‘I should have, yes’ Ben agreed, something in his eyes she couldn’t place.

They were locked, their eyes, their hands, and Rey didn’t want for any of it to end. She wanted to move a hand through his hair, to kiss his forehead and hold him until she wasn’t afraid anymore. Instead, words that she had forced herself not say slipped out of her mouth.

‘You’re not alone’

‘Neither are you’ he answered, and he was sincere, so much so it took her breath away.

Ben stood up, their hands still linked, apparently overwhelmed and confused as much as she was. She didn’t know what was happening, he was so close, finally, _finally_. Was this one of her dreams? One of those in which he wanted her?

‘I need to ask’ his voice cracked, small, almost afraid to break the moment as much as she was ‘Rey…’

And there was nothing like her name on his lips, like…

‘There you are!’

They jumped apart at the sound of Luke’s voice, and Rey never hated the high priest more than she did in that moment. Now that Ben’s hand was not holding hers, it all felt like a dream, even though she could remember clearly his warmth on her skin.

‘I saw the urgent message from Cassian, is there trouble?’ Luke asked moving around in his long robes.

‘It’s Snoke, he’s gathering assassins in the east, he wants to hurt Be-the king’ Rey forced herself to answer.

‘I appreciated your forgiveness at the time, but maybe you should have killed the bastard’ Luke said to Ben, his eyes, usually warm and kind, darkening.

Ben said nothing. He looked at her one last time and then he just walked away in silence.

‘I haven’t interrupted anything, have I?’ Luke asked confused.

In all honesty, Rey didn’t know what to say. She still didn’t know what happened, what maybe was about to happen. However, the memory of Ben’s hand, of his warmth, of him so close to her, of his eyes becoming almost pools of gold in the sunlight… it all remained vivid in her memory for days. It only managed to spur her on while she reorganised the garrison and the kingsguard with Phasma.

She even went to the castle’s blacksmith with Finn to have her sword slightly modified, sharpened as much as possible. He didn’t judge her, nor did he thought her paranoid, Ben inspired loyalty in many, and at the news of Snoke’s plans, all the lords allowed for higher security, with the capital tightly controlled by Poe, and the castle by Phasma. Luke, as leader of the Faith, was able to call in what he called his ‘little birds’, a network of gossip and news carried by priests so large that it was almost comparable to Cassian’s network of spies.

While Finn complimented the blacksmith’s work on her sword, Rey tried some forms with it, feeling the new weight and assessing the shining new blade.

If Snoke even tried to get close to Ben, she would kill him. She would kill anyone who dared to hurt him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	5. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You are not alone', Rey had said. But he was, oh, he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence, but I had a writer's block on this story. Fortunately it's gone, and this update will make up for how much time has passed since the last one!

Ben was overwhelmed, and confused.

In the last week everything seemed to have happened all at once, and while all the others reacted to whatever the hell was happening, he felt stuck in his own sadness, barely able to get out of bed in the morning. He didn’t even know what had happened with Rey, what had possessed him to forget all the boundaries he had set… but she had looked so afraid and he couldn’t… he hadn’t been able to control himself.

It didn’t matter, in the end. Because he had barely seen her since, he had barely seen anyone in fact. It felt as if everything Snoke had ever told him suddenly became true: they discovered how unpleasant he was, how utterly useless and incapable… a spoiled child, a lonely, weird, child, a monster in a black armour…

And they imprisoned him in the keep, finally relieved of his presence while he struggled with a kind of pain he could barely comprehend, a pain that wasn’t physical but of the soul, and not even sleep could help him.

 _You are not alone_ Rey had said. But he was, oh, he was.

He had fooled himself for years, and now everything finally crumbled.

When after days the walls of his chambers began to feel as if they were slowly closing on him, Ben left his room. He left in the middle of the night, using the dark as a cover to slip away unnoticed even by the kingsguard, even despite all the new checkpoints that Phasma and Poe had installed. Taking his horse was easy. Kylo was a black stallion, and they had been together for years, so that he came quietly when Ben called.

He was able to leave the capital undisturbed, and only at dawn, when Ben was already far away, the city just small dark shapes on the horizon, he heard the sound of bells filling the crisp morning air. The sign that they finally knew he was gone.

It felt neither liberating nor dreadful. He was still numb, awake but asleep. What little hope he had left rested all this working, in him being snapped out of it, of that all-consuming state. Ben took a breath and then he spurred Kylo on, keeping a fast pace. There was still a long way to go, and he wanted to be back before midnight.

 

* * *

 

After almost four hours of riding, Ben arrived at the small temple deep into the countryside that surrounded the capital. The old man was already outside, waiting for him, and Ben wasn’t much surprised. While age had not been kind to him, Mace Windu still looked fearsome, a spark in his eyes that could not be extinguished even by the passing of time.

Mace had been there _before_ , before Anakin lost his mind, before Palpatine and the war, one of the last Hands to be chosen from the Warriors of the Faith before the order collapsed. He had helped Leia and Luke, and when the time for Ben’s coronation had come, Mace had sent him a long letter explaining somewhat harshly how his life would change now that he was king. His brutal honesty had won Ben over immediately, who had read and re-read his letter countless times. In a moment in which everyone and everything became distant because of the deference that was somehow owned to him, Mace’s harsh truth had felt like a blessing, a clear path in the fog created by countless words by Luke on the Faith and by Leia’s lectures on proper etiquette as a weapon as sharp as any other in the game of politics.

Even during Snoke’s rebellion Mace’s words had been comforting to Ben, grounding him and reminding him of what he was, what was his place even though everything he had ever known was questioned. Now that he felt stuck again, sinking in invisible quick sand, and there was no one else Ben felt he could talk freely to… especially given how lonely, how angry he felt. And it wasn’t a surprise that Mace was waiting for him, for the old man always seemed to know everything, even though he lived far away from the capital, from civilisation itself, in a small temple in the middle of a forest, in a self imposed banishment that had begun after the death of Anakin.

‘He believes he failed the order, when he couldn’t see Palpatine in time, when he was wounded and the Kingdoms lost for almost half a century’ Luke said to him once, and Ben knew it was the truth. Mace wasn’t alone in his banishment either, many of those who had been part of the Warriors of the Faith and survived Palpatine’s purge had gone into hiding only to come out in the war that united the Seven Kingdoms once more: Ben Kenobi had hidden himself far south until before his death fighting for Luke, and Yoda had done the same; and then there was Ashoka, the first of Anakin’s Hand, who shared a sway of life similar to Mace’s, although up north. Unlike Mace she had interrupted her self-imposed isolation only twice (still two more times than Mace) and those exceptions had been made always for Ben, although he never knew what to make of it. She came down for his birth, and then once again for his coronation. On the last occasion she said very little, covered in her white robe she smiled at him as if she had been unaware of Snoke’s rebellion, as if Ben was some kind of object of pride after her disappointment with Anakin. She left shortly before the celebration, before Ben could tell her that there was little in him to be proud of, and no one had seen her since.

When Ben dismounted, Mace simply turned and walked inside the small temple. The light blue of the stone faded into a deep black where the door was, swallowing Mace’s figure. Ben dutifully followed. Inside it wasn’t as dark as it appeared from the outside. There were parchments, small lanterns and candles here and there, a small room sparsely furnished. Once again, Ben wasn’t surprised. He simply sat down on the cold stone floor in front of the old man, copying his posture and crossing his legs.

‘Have you read my letter?’ Mace asked.

‘Many times’ Ben answered.

‘Clearly not enough times if you are here with the bells waking half of the kingdom’

Ben pressed his lips together, he knew he was failing his duties but…

‘I know what you are thinking’ Mace interrupted him before he could speak ‘all kings and queens feel like that at some point or another, lonely, angry, overwhelmed…I’ve seen it so many times I’ve lost count. How a sovereign reacts to that, to those feelings… that’s what determines if they’ll be good or bad. So far, you’re not doing great’

Ben lowered his head, staring at his hands folded in his lap. He was at a loss for words. He knew he had a duty, that he should have stayed, but he felt...

‘I feel…’ Ben began to say, but Mace interrupted him again, his voice suddenly loud and firm, enough to startle him.

‘What you feel, does not matter. What you want, does not matter. You are not Ben Solo, you are Benjamin of House Organa _and_ Skywalker, first of his name, king of the Seven Kingdom. You left Ben Solo behind when you were crowned, and now you _are_ the crown, all that it represents, which is the similarities that unite these seven different kingdoms, not the differences that divide them. You are all and no one, you should never push too hard, never too far, because the peace rests on your shoulders. You must never let them see, how hard it is, what a burden the crown can be. And solitude is but another burden of the crown that you will have to bear alone.’

Mace stopped, he forced Ben to look at him in the eyes, and then he spoke again.

‘I have seen almost five monarchs come and go, and of those five, four almost destroyed the monarchy and the kingdom because they put their feelings and wants before the crown. But you are the crown, and you must never shine brighter than the crown, and whatever you may feel, whatever you might want… you must always remember, that the crown always, _always_ , comes first’.

 

* * *

 

When Ben led Kylo through the gates of the keep, it was already sundown, and he had travelled for enough time to let Mace’s words sink into him, to dwell on them and roll them over in his head as he pleased.

It had not been what he had _wanted_ to hear, but it was what he _needed_ to hear, a dressing down of the kind no one would give him, not in the way Mace would, at least. Everyone was in courtyard, and only when he dismounted everyone seemed to breathe again.

‘Ben we were so worried…’ Leia exclaimed.

Ben spared only a glance for her. It was mean, but he was still angry, and it was not like he could do what Mace suggested all at once. There was to be no doubt about the unity of the royal family, Mace had said, and Ben knew very well that he would have had to make amends soon, but not in that moment.

‘I want a report of what I have missed today before you retire’ Ben said to Rey, trying to ignore the worry on her face, to shut his heart off, far away, once and for all.

He partially succeeded, but he was still too weak, so he walked away before she could reply, before anyone could ask any more questions.

From that day on, Ben became nothing but methodical. He took solace in the repetition of habits, in leaving no free hour in a day so that there was no chance for him to fall into that pattern of thinking that had in confined in his chambers, almost crumbling when Rey held his hand. Duty was at the forefront of his mind, and he was trying hard to concentrate on that, to let the crown shine through him. It had been almost three years since Snoke’s defeat, and a tour of the Kingdoms seemed to be exactly what was needed. It didn’t need to be grand, it just mattered that he travelled far and wide, letting people and lords alike see him, the monarchy, as something real and palpable, not far away. And, most importantly, to remember the Lords and Ladies to keep their game of politics within sensible boundaries, reminding them how beneficial unity was for all of them in the end.

The problem was, his whole private council seemed to disagree. _Strongly._

‘Have you lost your mind?’ Poe asked ‘Snoke is hiring assassins! Cassian and Jyn are working day and night to keep track of them and you would just… go out, like that!’

‘It would show that we are not afraid of Snoke, and the people need to see me. The last time I travelled was to fight the rebellion, I can’t allow for them to remember me only as someone on top of a horse in a black armour riding in to kill’

‘He has a point’ Lord San Tekka mumbled, singling that even though he looked asleep, he was not.

‘Thank you’ Ben replied, making Leia scoff.

‘Your mother is right, it is dangerous’ Luke said, prompted by his twin irritation to speak in her favour.

‘Lady Rey?’ Ben asked trying to sound detached.

It was still difficult to be with Rey, even after more than a month since he came back from his visit to Mace. His hearth had proven stubborn, his affection deeper than expected… he knew that he would never love anyone else, but he never imagined how hard it would be, to put distance between them even when they were so close. The worst thing was, he couldn’t tell if Rey was offended or not (because a part of him, a small part that he couldn’t silence, still hoped she might care). There was surely irritation in the way her mouth twitched involuntarily when he used her title. They had dropped formalities barely months after she became his Hand and, yeah… it was hard.

Suddenly, she sat up and her chair screeched back with a loud sound. She banged her hand hard on the leather bound book she used to keep her notes in, and she looked absolutely furious.

‘You may be king, but I am your Hand, and you are _not_ going!’ she shouted.

Ben wanted to remain calm, to understand, but she waked something inside him. Was this the only way he could be close to her again again? Shouting matches from opposite sides of a table, just like at the beginning?

‘I _want_ to go and you’ll make the necessary arrangements!’ he shouted back, standing up as well.

‘It’s dangerous! And I will not allow you to go head first into it! Whatever got into you!’

‘How dare you!’

‘I am your Hand!’

‘I am your King, and you will do as I ask!’

Silence filled the small council room, and Rey held his gaze for a moment, anger burning in her eyes, before she answered.

‘I won’t be part of such stupidity! You want to go? Very well, Poe’ll handle it for you, because I will not’

She left in a hurry, and it took Ben a couple of moments before following her, not caring at all about what the others would say. He himself couldn’t fully understand what he was doing, his mind told him to let her be, but his body just followed hers without hesitation.

She was walking fast, but he catched up with her soon enough, before she could reach her tower. In a moment, all the walls he had built began to crumble without him being fully conscious of it, not until his hand was on her elbow, directing her into his chambers roughly.

They looked at each other silently for a moment before it began, before Rey cursed him, screamed at him, and punched him without too much conviction in the chest. Only when she threw a vase at him, missing him by little, they fell silent again. Only Rey was crying now, and Ben’s heart shattered with every tear that left a wet trail down her cheeks.

‘You left… in the middle of the night, without even… and I was so, so worried and then you come back and… and…’

‘And what? Say it’ he prompted her.

‘You just left like everyone else’ she whispered, looking down, and those where not the words Ben had expected her to say.

He had expected her to call him stupid, a monster, maybe, because of the way he was acting, everything… but not of accusing him of leaving her.

‘I would never leave you’ he murmured moving closer, she looked away.

‘You did’

‘But I came back, Rey, I came back’

‘Oh, suddenly I am Rey again?’ she asked, sarcasm mixing with rage and pain.

Ben opened his mouth several time, but no sound came out. Could he tell her? About where he went, about his feelings for her, his loneliness, how heavy the crown was, all-consuming… But it didn’t matter what he thought, because apparently he told her anyway, his mouth forming words while she looked at him with her big hazel eyes. Taking him in, a piece of his worry and his pain, until he could breath again.

‘Oh, Ben why didn’t you told me?’ she murmured moving closer. ‘I’ve never disliked you, even when I thought I did… through I still don’t understand how you could like me… I’m nothing, no house, no family… no one’ she said, crying again.

‘Not to me’ and it was the absolute truth for Ben.

‘We can never be’ she added, almost shaking while he moved closer, the confirmation that she liked him making him dizzy.

‘There’s no law against us’ he murmured.

‘There’s custom’ she answered back, making him smile a bit. She always fighting him, and he absolutely love it, he absolutely loved her.

The next thing Ben knew, they were kissing, his hands keeping her close, hers in his hair. The world seemed to tilt upside down and up again, flooding him with a warm feeling that went from the tip of his ears to the tip of his toes, a peace inside of him like he had never experienced before.

With Rey in his arms, Ben had never been happier. A part of him screamed that he had just doomed them both.

 


	6. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘As your Hand, I must advise you to not… to not get publicly involved with your advisor. But as a woman who loves you…’ she began, but she couldn’t finish, tears streaming down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I am back. Sorry for the long break. It wasn't supposed to be that long, but after finishing my Christmas Reylo fic, writer's block hit me and I wasn't capable of writing anything. Anyway, here's the new chapter. Enjoy!

For Rey, it all happened in a matter of seconds: screaming at Ben, running down the corridors, his chambers, her throwing a vase and Ben nervously and almost mindlessly revealing all that he had never told her, opining up to her, heart and soul. Between words on Mace Windu and the crown, about how he was resigned to be with her only like Hand and King could be even when he wished for more, he had said: _I love you_ , as if it was natural, to say those words to her, while referring to her, while thinking of her. He said those three words as if it was normal to love someone like her, someone who had been abandoned even by her own parents. But it wasn’t normal, and her heart almost exploded with happiness because… could it be real? She, who had never allowed herself to get too attached only to fall for the most inaccessible man in the whole of the Seven Kingdoms… and yet he seemed to feel the same way, too. It felt like a dream, and she never wanted it to end. Although she thought it was going to end when he moved closer, when he bent down to kiss her, because that was always what had happened. In all her dreams, she always woke up when they were about to touch, reminding her of the distance that she always had to keep, of the space between them that could never be filled.

Ben’s lips where real, though, and soft, and warm, and so were his hands on her back. The kiss… that seemed to last forever, and Rey was drunk with him. She felt dizzy, shivers running down her body where his hands touched her, happy beyond comprehension.

She could barely believe that she could finally move her fingers though his soft hair, on his face, gently tracing the outline of his jaw, and then down on his shoulders, on his firm chest… she felt satisfied, like when after a period of draught in Jakku she found water in abundance, drinking as she pleased, yet she wanted more, so much more… the fire in her belly rising steadily, prompting her to fist her hand into his shirt and moving him even closer if that was possible.

‘I want to do this properly, you deserve everything’ he said, breathless, moving away from her mouth to her neck.

Rey was shaking, and she could barely think properly with Ben, so warm and solid, pressed against her. In the back of her mind, she thought that she had never felt safer in her whole life. He knew so much about her that when his hand moved under her shirt it felt totally natural, a continuation of the countless times they had opened up to each other while walking alone in the gardens darkened by the night. It should have felt more scary, more intimated, this carnal desire, but it wasn’t… opening up to him, telling him about her past, about Jakku and her fears for the present when she still believed he didn’t like her, when he might have not understood… that had been far more scarier, far more intimate.

‘I want to marry you’ he said kneeling in font of her, his hands gentle on her hips.

‘Ben…’

‘We’re already ruling together, what difference will it make? And even if we don’t…’ he said looking at her in the eyes, and Rey could see her desire reflected back in his, the way he wanted her, not only her body but _her_ , the way he loved her… and _gods help her_ , she was helpless. She wanted him, to be with him, in all he ways they could.

‘… you’ll always be my queen’ he continued beginning to unfasten the laces of her skirt until it feel to floor, before moving his hands to her underclothes.

He worshipped her with his mouth, with his hands, but his words were what made her feel as if she was flying, touching the sky. She didn’t know how she could be so lucky, how could this be really happening, but gods, if it was only just a dream, she hoped she never woke up.

 

* * *

 

He excused himself afterwards, after helping her into her clothes once more, and she blushed. He had to go change because he, too… yeah, yeah. Rey was still in shock, but before he could go she kissed him deeply, making him blush in return.

She sat on his bed with her knees hugged to her chest, waiting for him to come back, to see if he had changed his mind, if he wanted to just… or if it was a dream. Because it felt impossible that, for once, she finally could get what she wanted, what she had always dreamed. These sorts of things never happened to her, and she had always told herself that all her luck had run out after Luke and Leia took her to court, leading her into a new life away from the desert, and that was to be the only kindness life would grant her. Much more than she had ever expected, since she had never thought she would leave Jakku in the first place.

When he came back, Ben was smiling freely, for the first time in a month, and Rey could see that a huge wight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had always cared for her, when they talked he always took a part of the pain of her past, the fears for the future, and made it all more bearable, making sure she had everything she needed. Truth be told, she could withstand a lifetime of deprivation in Jakku, anywhere, really, if Ben was with her. So she was more than happy to know that she could be the same for him, that she could ease the weight of the crown.

He sat down on the bed next to her, taking her hand and kissing it.

‘Mace wouldn’t agree with you marrying me, a nobody’ she said, taking courage, because they had to talk things through.

‘I have no obligations to marry anyone else’

‘The lords will be disappointed, not to mention the ladies. All of the houses want a share of the rule and for them to see me…’

‘A hero of the resistance against Snoke’ Ben reminded her, making her blush. She forgot how headstrong he was when he set his mind to something, just like his mother. ‘What they will see is that I love a great woman, and that we will rule justly _exactly because_ you have no ties to any of the houses. So there will be no favouritism’

‘They won’t like that’ she snorted, and Ben huffed a laugh.

‘Maybe so, but what can they do? The common folk will be thrilled. They will see one of their own, and they will love you even more. We’ll be more united than ever’

‘There no precedent’

‘So what if things go wrong? What if they fight us? We’ll be together, wouldn’t we?’ he asked, with those dark eyes of his set on her, and Rey could melt under his stare.

‘Yes, we would’ she murmured lowering her eyes ‘but we have to think about the kingdom. I don’t mind, really, I mean… I do, but even to have you in secret, it would be enough’

‘And what about our children?’

‘We don’t have any!’

‘Yet!’

‘Ben!’

‘See? It’s like we’re already married!’

‘Not even an hour ago you were all duty, duty, duty, and now…’

‘Now I know you care for me, now I know how sweet are your lips, how warm you are and how my head spins when you moan my name’ he whispered in her ear.

‘ _Shut up!’_ she said red as pepper, while Ben laughed.

It lasted barely a moment, it was rare to hear him laugh and it broke her heart a little that it faded away so easily.

'I really wish it was _that_ easy, I... there’s nothing I want more than this, then a chance at _us_ without duty getting in the way’ he admitted, making even her smile disappear. She, too, wished for that.

'I don’t want to keep you hidden, it’s not shameful what’s between us and I won't treat you like some mistress I will forget about in a month or two, because I won’t’

Rey almost began to cry at his words, she looked at him and saw in his eyes a reflection of the love she felt inside herself. But she didn’t know what to say, what to do.

‘As your Hand’

‘Rey…’

‘As _your Hand_ , I must advise you to not… to not get publicly involved with your advisor. But as a woman who loves you…’ she began, but she couldn’t finish, tears streaming down her face.

‘Rey’ he repeated hugging her, and she basked in his warmth, his scent so comforting.

‘Don’t leave me’ she begged in a whisper.

‘I won’t’ he promised. ‘I don’t… agree with keeping this a secret, but we can. Keep it between ourselves, just until we can talk to someone and see if we can be ourselves openly. Does that… sound good?’ Ben asked cupping her face with delicate fingers, drying the last of her tears.

‘Yeah, okay’ she agreed with a little smile.

They kissed again then, and Rey was happy to see she wasn’t alone in not wanting to go. Ben, too, seemed contrary to stopping to kiss her. But they had to, and in the end they did. They agreed to go about their day as if nothing had happened, which pained Rey beyond comprehension. If before the pain was knowing that she could never have him, that all she had were little moments… now that she had so much, those little moments that once had made her day were now a painful remainder of what more she could have, because he wanted it too.

Still, they were reckless. And the fear in her mind that Ben might change his opinion on the matter, ask her to leave, was pushed away from the way her reached for her hand under the table during supper.

There were glances, of course, from Poe, Luke and Leia especially, while Finn had a weird expression on his face that Rey couldn’t decipher. She feared they might confront her before Ben could talk to them, she feared they might act on his behalf, send her away from the capital, in exile. That was what scared her the most, not only because she could lose Ben now that he returned her love, but because she wouldn’t be able to keep him safe from the evil plans that Snoke was concocting a sea away.

It all became meaningless when night came and Ben slipped silently into her room, where she welcomed him with open arms. She wanted to go back to what they were doing at midday, when they were interrupted by their need to talk. She wanted him _so much_ , in all the ways she could have him.

‘Rey, wait…’ Ben managed to say between kisses, while she tried to remove his clothes as fast as she could, walking them towards the bed.

‘You don’t want me?’ a question asked by the ever present fear in her mind of not being enough, but Ben scoffed and pushed her against him, making her feel how much he wanted her as well, as if she didn’t know when he told her that very day, breaking her heart and mending it all at the same time.

‘Of course I want you but you know we can’t’

'I can just drink the tea’

'You can’t, not every time, Rey you know what’s inside, it’s practically poison for your body. Once it’s too small a dose to hurt but every day it _will_ hurt you’ there was real concern in Ben’s eyes while he cupped her face, and Rey just… wanted him so much.

She was a raised a scavenger, and she never turned away if she knew there was something more she could take. Maybe the capital made her greedy, but she wanted to have it all, even when she knew she couldn’t. It was an impulse, a spasm, moving her entire body and soul towards Ben, because she knew, _she knew_ , he would always meet her halfway, pushed by the same force.

‘It’s not worth your health, Rey. We can do other things but… I won’t risk your health for this, _never_ ’

‘I can… go to the pleasure houses, ask the whores what they do to…’

‘Rey…’

‘I don’t know why I can’t… think rationally, I know you’re right I just… I want it all’

‘This is _exactly_ why I don’t want this to be a secret. It breaks my heart to see how much pain this is causing you. I can barely breath without you, Rey. I will… talk to my uncle, my mother, first thing in the morning. But let’s not do something stupid before that. You would tell me that if I hadn’t hurt you so much already’ Ben said pressing their foreheads together, real concern and pain in his dark eyes.

‘You didn’t hurt me’ she answered with a small smile.

‘Alright… how about we try that part of married life where we share a bed? It was a long day after all, and you never know, maybe in your sleep you’ll kick me off the bed and that’ll settle the whole thing’

At that Rey laughed wholeheartedly, and Ben smiled with her, clearly pleased of having been able to improve her mood.

Even though it took some time for her unsatisfied body to calm down, the warmth that the intimacy of getting ready for the night in the same room created slowly creeped into her bones, and it made her feel more calm that she had been in months, if not years. She fell asleep in Ben’s arms, a smile on her face, wondering why she had been so upset in the first place. She had him, he was hers, she was his.

 


End file.
